sitting there at macs, with a large hot cup of mocha.
ipod plugged in and drowning out the noise around me.
people surrounding me, chatting, studying.
few by themselves, most with their friends.
brought back deja vu,
and all the thoughts and feelings of yester years.

i was like that not too long ago.
sitting there, studying for As.
inwardly sighing,
and resigning to the fact that no one would sit and study with me at that time of the night (it was past midnight.)
and yet also knowing that i was to study and give my best in everything.
gabriel and bryan dropped by for a moment and brightened my night.
and then it was back to studying.
everything else seems to disappear for the next hr or so as i copy and study my notes.
until my next break.
resigned. motivated. forced. alone.

and i sat again there today.
in a different spot.
reminiscing those times,
not exactly pleasant.
but im thankful for them.
it made me cherish the times i had with you.
made me more independent.
not to wish for company,
or as much i tried not to.
rely more on your strength and not mine.
to study because i knew i was studying for you,
not myself, or my own ambition (i dream to live on a farm or travel the world anyway. both so not possible.)
living for a higher calling.
and i felt proud.
sitting there by myself.
people stared at me and my Martini, my new found friend,
and probably wondered waht i studied and i was some hardcore mugger.
but i studied.
whipped out scissors and cut out the pictures from my notes that i knew i could not draw (like the bone tissues) and pasted them on my paper with white glue.
call me weird.
it was like art and craft. haha xin said.

and mich jus prayed for me yst.
that you, are my faithful friend and Lord.
be it on trains or buses,
or even times like these,
you were always,
and will always be beside me.
and im so grateful for that.
and my ipod keeps playing
"What a friend i've found"

indeed.
what a friend ive found in you.

what a friend i've found
closer than a brother
it would break my heart
to ever lose each other

Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus, friend forever.

and ever-faithful dad too.
came to pick me up at 1130 becos they wanted me home.
and it was raining and i was without an umbrella.
(i should forget to bring my umbrella more often:)
i remember when he came to the airport in the morning after i studied overnight.
or when he sent me to the sirport at some crazy time of 4 am to fetch the China team back. or picked me up from the airport when i studied til late.
even though i know you'll never see this,
THANK YOU DEAR DAD.

time does fly.

and i foresee more of it.

but You're there.
here beside me.

the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
fear of the Lord: being God-conscious; being aware of His Holy presence.
i want this fear of the Lord. and be wise.
and remember You're always with me.

smiles.
how else can i thank you?

and He is with you too.
just remember.


in short of a song,
Love never fails(:

Labels: but rejoices with the truth., it does not delight in evil

11:57 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

she stood standing.
everyone held their breath,
captivated.
her poise,
her dress that flowed white, and ran into pink,
her face,
and oh.
that smile.
the joy that radiated from outside and within.
her smile that lit up the chapel.
and in she walked,
with grace and pure surety.


what a simple wedding.
and yet what significance it holds for the 2 of them.
congrats to Yanni and Andrew(:
i still remb feeling so wow when we sat in TungLing and i found out Yanni was a lawyer.
and she was so pretty!!!!!

oh my. like some japan model.
her gown was so cool and pretty too; like a toga and the embroidary was so nice.
really so pretty!! lydia and i were gushing about how good she looked even in her candid shot.
haha and she told us,
"i cycled alot. everyday! furiously."
haha in her Yanni tone. so funny.
really so so pretty.

ok i shan't go on and make the guys drool or make it sound wrong.
but she really is so pretty.


and i dream of that day too.
haha was whipering to lala and making terribly alot of noises.
and lydia mimicked a cow when i told her i wanted a farm wedding.
and traces of memories back to that crazy night when they screamed and yelled "Ali Babba!" and "Open Seasame!" and wanted to do the same for my wedding.
and the burps.
*looks extremely indignant at the them.
i will NOT burp "I Do" at my wedding.
what's wrong with a wedding on the farm?
so cool to walk through a field of hay and the wind blowing
and the weather being fine(:

HAHA. but that will prob never happen.

and took a small bouquet of flowers from the wedding. so nice! blue, white and green.
felt so happy to carry them on the way home.
they were so pretty too and it made afew small girls smile as they looked at it.
wanted to give it away but i saw no old ladies.

i sniffed into the tissue.

a story. or a true story:
At the end of time, billions of people
were scattered on a great plain before
God's throne.
Some of the groups near the front
talked heatedly, not cringing with shame
but with belligerence.

"How can God judge us? How can He know about our suffering?"
snapped a joking brunette. She jerked back a sleeve
to reveal a tattooed number from a Nazi
concentration camp.
"We endured beatings, terror, torture, death."

In another group, a black man lowered his collar.
"What about this?" he demanded,
showing an ugly rope burn.
"Lynched for no crime but for being black!
We've suffocated in slave ships,
been wrenched from love ones,
toiled until only death gave relief."

Far across the plain were hundreds of such groups.
Each one had a complaint against God for the evil and suffering permitted in this world.

HOw lucky God was to live in heaven,
where all was sweetness and light,
where there was no weeping, no fear, no hunger, no hatred.
Indeed, what did God know about what man had been forced to endure in this world?
"After all, God leads a pretty sheltered life," they said.

So each group sent out a leader,
chosen because he had suffered the most.
There was a Jew, an untouchable from India,
an illegitimate, a person from Hiroshima and one from a Siberian slave camp.
In the center of the plain, they consulted each other. At last, they were ready to present their case.

It was rather simple: Before God would be qualified to be their judge,
He must first endure what they had endured.
Their decisionwas that God should be sentenced to live on earth as man.

BUt because He was God, they set certain rules and safeguards to ensure He could not use divine powers to help himself:

Let Him be born a Jew.

Let the legitamcy of His birth be doubted so that none will know who really is His father.

Let Him champion a cause so just, but so radical that it brings down upon Him the hate, condemnation and eliminating efforts of every major traditional and established religious authority.

Let Him try to describe what no man has ever seen, tasted, heard or smelled. Let Him try to commmunicate God.

Let Him be betrayed by His dearest friends.

Let Him be indicted with false charges and tried before a prejudiced jury and convicted by a cowardly judge.

Let Him see what it is to be terribly alone, completely abandoned by every living thing. Let Him be tortured and die the most humiliating death with common thieves.

As each leader announced his portion of their sentence, loud murmurs of approval went out from the great throng of people.

When the last had finished pronouncing the sentence, there was a long silence. No one uttered another word. No one moved. For suddenly, all knew- God had already served His sentence.


i'm at the edge of a razor.

Labels: take me away

10:23 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

for you:





that His glory be shown,
through you.

be lifted higher,
Jesus be lifted higher.

i'm living for Your glory.

teach me to portray You
truely and rightfully Lord.

Labels: He gave all He could give., to a world that was lost

2:36 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

freely you gave it all for us.

i saw you standing there.
your bike parked behind,
cigarette in hand.
i wonder what goes through your mind?
what emotions you were feeling.
i heard a whisper.
to go and show love.

but.
i couldn't.
i didn't dare to.

and who else would?

ashamed,
i ran faster.
and ran.



chains be broken
lives be healed
eyes be opened
christ is revealed.

how would they know
unless people tell them?
and how would they hear,
or see, or understand,
unless someone shows them love and care?

and how can it be
that you were the one on the cross
lifted for all our shame
and how can it be
the scars in your hands
were for me
you are the King of all


what a wretched soul.

and i love you
more than life.


and you never let me go lord.
you never let me go.


heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things i see
show me how to love like you have loved me
break my heart from what breaks yours
everthing i am for your kingdom's cause
as i walk from earth into eternity.


ceaseless.endless.
pondering.

Labels: you.

10:25 PM

In Genesis, Jesus is the ram of Abraham’s altar
In Exodus, He is the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He is the High Priest
In Numbers, He is the cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night
In Deuteronomy, He is the City of our Refuge
In Joshua, He is discarded thread at Rahab’s windows
In Judges, He is our Judge
In Ruth, He is our kinsman Redeemer
In 1 & 2 Samuel, He is our trusted Prophet
In Kings and Chronicles, He is our reigning King
In Ezra, He is our faithful Scribe
In Nehemiah, He is the Re-builder of everything that is broken
In Esther, He is the Mordecai sitting faithfully at the gate
In Job, He is our Redeemer that ever lives
In Psalms, He is my Shepherd and I shall not want
In Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, He is our Wisdom
In the Song of Solomon, He is the beautiful Bridegroom
In Isaiah, He is the suffering Servant
In Jeremiah and Lamentations, it is Jesus that is the weeping Prophet
In Ezekiel, He is the wonderful four face Man
In Daniel, He is the fourth Man in the midst of the firery furnace
In Hosea, He is my love that is forever faithful
In Joel, He baptised us with the Holy Spirit
In Amos, He is our burden barrier
In Obadiah, our Saviour
In Jonah, He is the great missionary that takes the word of God all over the world
In Micah, He is the messenger with beautiful feet
In Nahum, He is the Avenger
In Habakkuk, He is the watchman that is ever praying for revival
In Zephaniah, He is the Lord Mighty to save
In Haggai, He is the Restorer of our lost heritage
In Zechariah, He is our Fountain
In Malachi, He is the Son of Righteousness with healing in His wings.



In Matthew, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the Living God
In Mark, He is the miracle worker
In Luke, He is the Son of man
In John, He is the Door by which everyone of us must enters
In Acts, He is the shining Light that appeared to Saul on the road to Damascus
In Romans, He is our Justifier
In 1 Corinthians, our Resurrection
In 2 Corinthians, our sin barrier
In Galatians, He redeems us from the law
In Ephesians, He is our unsearchable riches
In Philippians, He supplies our every need
In Colossians, He is the fullness of the Godhead bodily
In 1 & 2 Thessalonians, He is our soon coming King
In 1 & 2 Timothy, He is the Mediator between God and man
In Titus, He is our blessed Hope
In Philemon, He is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother
In Hebrew, He is the Blood of the everlasting covenant
In James, He is the Lord that heals the sick
In 1 & 2 Peters, He is the Chief Shepherd
1 & 2 & 3 John, it is Jesus who is the tender-loving Lord
In Jude, He is the Lord coming with ten thousands of saints
In Revelation, lift up your eyes Church for your redemption draws nigh, He is the King of kings and Lord of lord


wow.
i never saw it that way.
how we always assume and look past details.

but You are Alpha and Omega.


beholding your beauty
is all that i long for
to worship you Jesus is my soul's desire
for this very heart
you have shaped for your pleasure
the purpose to lift your name higher

-Lord of Lords, Brooke Fraser

its so hard to sit down,
open the textbook,
and study.

but i'm trying.

back to the days of mugging.

Lord, help me to honour you in my studies.

Labels: here i am, take me

1:10 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i have always been beside you,
you're not alone.
on the trains,
i've been with you.
in quiet, troubled moments,
i've been with you.
i have never left you.
and i'll always be beside you.


whispered into my heart.
and my tears came.

be my everything.


how have i missed?
the times that i thought i was alone,
but You were there beside me.
watching, waiting.
holding my heart,
and i guess,
sometimes grieving.

what heights of love,
what depths of love.
i really can't comprehend.
and is it true?

i took one,
or seemingly one,
but it was two.
and a sudden rush of,
"double portion.
double.
i'm giving you double."
i couldn't believe my ears
as i sat there confounded.
struck.
thinkin if it was some kind of self-speaking.
"do what i told you to do.
i'll be more than enough."
trust.


what if you jump?
just close your eyes?
what if the arms that catch you,
catch you by surprise.

dealing with issues that are not easy to deal with.
speaking and saying words that i pray,
come from You.
missing you,
as i heard and sang 'Everything.'
and i prayed.

i ask more for wisdom and grace,
and discernment,
to say the correct things to people around me,
that You be glorified in speech and actions.
and redefine love in such an extravagant way.
that others would see You Jesus.
others above self.
we live in a broken and fallen world hungry for love.
Jesus' love.

let's get them.
back to life.
back to what life means.
back to the cross where You spilled your blood.
for love,
to tell the world you loved.
and still love them.

thank you God for friends.
for brothers and sisters.
who will walk alongside me.


missions is on the move(:
planning with gab was great. thank you gabriel!



so long status quo
i think i just let go
You make me wanna be brave
the way it always was
is no longer good enough
You make me wanna be brave

didn't know a fire that didn't begin with a flame
and every storm will start with just a drop of rain
but if You believe in me
that changes everything
so long, i'm gone.

-Brave,
Nichole Nordeman

God in my watching,
God in my waiting.


yawns. sleeep.

Labels: be my everything.

1:50 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

-first song that i sing
sara groves

in the morning when i rise,
help me to prioritise
all the thoughts in my head


thought about death today.
euthanasia.
how do you want to die?
what is dying with dignity?
when is it right to "kill" a patient?
when is the "correct" time to kill someone?
is withholding treatment the same as injecting someone with drugs?

healthcare ethics and law.

too bad edward poon isn't here to stimulate my brain even more.
or what's left of it.

sent tabby off at the airport today.
scotland.
wish i could pack my bags and just leave too.
take a little trip around the world.
just me and my dog named boo.
(except that i dont have a dog.)


God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything



there in my breathing.
i listened to heartbeats through the stethoscope today.
i'm going to buy one,
and i heard breathing too.
how fascinating and
always leave me in awe.

but it was funny how adora and i tried doing blood pressure.
was so hard to listen for the first 'lub dub'.
and my hand went numb
and flushed red aftr blood began to flow thru again.
imagined what if my right arm became paralysed or smth.


met lynn at the airport.
so glad to see her.
and jus talked with her.
reminded me i've to prepare cell.
and was there just not long ago.

regretted buying my glasses.
could have bought a cheaper and maybe nicer pair.
but i was scared that the uncle would scold me.
sighs.
what wretched and weird beings we are.



God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
the hope of glory
You are everything



coughs.
so many ppl coughed on the train today.
stood all the way today.
and all the way back. woke up just in time
at tampines.
just before it closed its doors.
people must be thinkin im weird.
but thank you God,
for waking me up.
would feel so dumb waking at pasir ris and someone else waking me up.
happned before i think. heh.


it comes in small spaces
in corners.
it comes in beautiful secrets
in small inspirations.
in places where we least expect.

and i want to
add to the beauty
to tell a better story
oh
shine with the light
that's burning up inside
oh


and this is love
an invitation to be beautiful
this is grace
an invitation.



-add to the beauty
sara groves


"somebody save me,"
adora sang.
east coast tmr with her.
im looking forward to it(:


bring light to what is in the dark.


be my everything.

Labels: bits and pieces all over

11:45 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

friend, it's getting late
we should be going
we've been sat here beneath
these flickering neons for hours.
while I'm cracking their code,
you are deciphering me
for i am a mystery,
I am a locked room in a tall tower

Oh can you feel the gravity falling,
calling us home?
Oh, did you see the stars colliding,
shining just to show we belong?
We belong.

Your telescope eyes
see everything clearly
My vision is blurred
but i know what i heard echoing all around
while I am tuning you in,
you are deciphering me
not such a mystery,
not such a faint in a far away sound




sitting on the platform no longer means the same.
and glancing at my phone,
often wondering how everything is.
how you're doing,
what you're doing.
and when you told me,
my heart feels warm,
and i smile to myself.

oh can you feel the gravity falling
calling us home?
It's love,
it's love that holds us
We will be alright
It's truth,
it's truth that shows us
If we'll walk
in His light



or when songs are sung,
or looking at corner seats on the train.
or going to the sea.

staring at the sky,
the stars.
how i marvel and pass time.
wondering what to do with daylight,
until i can make you mine.

Loving a person just the way they are,
it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change,
sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
and
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out
the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain
in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy
the same spaces
Only one makes you
free

Hold on to me
and
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out
the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for
offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for
real love
We're going to find it






how do i reconcile?


yeah,
i do miss you.
in my heart and on my mind.

as if a glass could contain the sea
that's the way you are in me.

wow. physiology lecture was so so enriching yesterday.
and anatomy today was even more mind-boggling.
how intricate, how sophiticated
everything in our body.
how it is fashioned and
programmed to work with such coordination.
i really marvel,
and wonder.
and stand in awe.

did you know that if the pacemaker (its smth tt keeps our heart beating by sending out electrical signals to stimulate contraction and relaxing of the heart) fails to work, there are other stimulants that can keep it beating??
so cool. it'll just be more messy and sending a shock to the heart will set things right (giving an ecg).


it was really nice to see.
and hear.
what our senses can do sometimes.
what we often take for granted.
presence.
teasing the corners of your mouth.


i feel like eating a cookie.
and jus drank a grande, white chocolate mocha.(:

and wanting for more.
coffee addict.
bad bad.
shakes head.

but its really nice(:

go toilet also lazy. bryan is terrible.

soak my heart in gasoline
more of you and
none of me.

Labels: on my mind.

3:28 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

1:17 AM

jus read huey's blog.
and it jus got me thinking on how i feel i've lost smth.

feels lk ive lost my sense of making friends or just talking to ppl.
at this point where i dont reli know what to do.
i can't cry.
can't identify what i'm feeling.
life is so busy and hectic and smtimes,
you just wanna scream
STOP.

might be a depressing and long entry.
but at the end of the day,
God be glorified.
that i am still human.
and God is still God
and He is still good and all praise and glory to Him.
Him alone.


uni life has been sucky.
truthfully.
time is flying past,
it's been mad waking up early every morning.
and im telling myself its not that bad.
that i'm able to do it.
i'm gg to get used to it.
every day is a new day,
and it is a better day.
yeah it is,
because of Jesus in my life.
its just so hard sometimes.
lord, and i guess im leaning on my own strength again.

its really hard.
feeling like ive lost some half of me.
mum told me last night,
"get your life back in order."

i'm trying.
and i don't know how to.
too little sleep.
too little time to think of what i'm feeling,
or what God is trying to tell me.
or just time praying.
when i know on my hands are 5 precious lives.
that i reli want to invest in and make a whole lot of diffrence.
and even more thn 5 lives.

what happened to being salt and light?
when i hardly speak about you now.
feeling so hypocritical,
and lost in a world of
"i don't know what i'm doing."
and if im letting ppl down arn me.

specially those close to my heart.
im sry huey and xin.
that i havent had much time to jus talk to u and not be bothered about other things.
and kevin too. i still owe u dinner.
my dearest scc ppl.

ginny, for the matter. i love u loads babe.
u know i do.

my heart aches.
for the people that i miss.
for the times that i wish i could just go back to.
the studying times that seemed horrendous,
but looking back, they were great.
because of the people i spent time with.

just re-entering that path in life.

work that's piling up.
thousands of notes to print.
things to read up.
and the list goes on.
my eyes are drying out.
and my heart's just so heavy at the amount of things that im feeling.


am i missing smthing bigger?

and how can i ask for more of u,
when uve given so much to me?

amazing grace that i cannot comprehend.
its too much for me to handle.
but im running into ur arms.
into ur embrace.


bless the Lord always,
oh my soul.
and again i say, Rejoice!

and im back again.

What if you're right
He was just another nice guy
What if you're right
What if it's true
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true

What if He takes His place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love, and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then

But what if you're wrong
What if there's more
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for
What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told
And retold

'Cause you've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land
For so long
But what if you're wrong

What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love

What if it's love

redefine love for me.
redefine what putting you first is.
redefine what brokenness is.


and tmr's the day.
i dont know what to expect.
sighs.

giving it up.
to find it again.

giving up ur rights,
and finding them only in Christ.

i thank God for adora.
and jazreel.

rearrange me.

you be lifted higher.

Labels: loving you

12:28 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

this isn't exactly the best time to blog.
with a million things to do.

but what funny and bothersome creatures we are.
how unworthy.
wretched.
and you would come and love.
stepped down from heaven.
come to this filthy place.
and love someone like me.

and all the emotions people go thru.
broken relationships.
new-found ones.
old ones.
people that sometimes you don't know if you can trust.
and you.
proved faithful.
you give meaning to love.
dear lord jesus.
thank you.

i'm not living by what i feel,
but by what Your truth reveals.
i'm not holding on to you
but you're holding on to me.
Jesus can you show me just how far
the east is from the west.

h.

Labels: holding on.

1:00 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-